How Not To Write A CV

Recruitment is changing. We all know that. We’re forever hearing of attracting passive candidates, remodeling talent strategies and having an engaging presence on multiple social media channels. However, nothing beats a traditional application and CV. In fact one thing does; and that is a rushed or frankly bizarre application and CV.

I’ve been compiling the very best and it is my absolute pleasure to share them with you. These are genuine and 100% real statements on CV’s which have been sent in to apply for job roles.
Read, enjoy and be in awe!

The first part of the CV is normally where you put contact details. Here’s a few that made me take a second look:

  • “Name – Leo (doesn’t have a surname)”
  • “Contact Number: Don’t have one.”
  • “Address: 57 xxxx Terrace, (Flat above Ben’s Chinese Takeaway)”

Some choice email addresses:

  1. areyoureadytoripitup@.co.uk
  2. xxplayboi4evaxx@.com
  3. time-2-split@.com
  4. dasolidmetal@.com
  5. bongo.bunty@.com

Then it can be followed by a personal statement, key skills, achievements or aspirations:

  • “Customer service into customer satisfaction into customer delight.”
  • “I felt like I accomplished a lot in them three years. Unfortunately things changed.”
  • “I wouldn’t call myself ‘The Class Clown’ but I’m mildly funny”
  • “I have recently learnt to whittle (hand carve with wood). Wood I have used is usually salvaged or old pieces I have found in skips etc. I find this extremely satisfying.”
  • “I like to paint and am an aspiring poet. My painting is a dedicated process and so takes a lot of time and patience. Whereas my poetry I am trying to design as somewhat a movement. I’d like to exceed in poetry and have started up accounts over social media. I hope to excel in poetry and perhaps even excel in becoming a motivational speaker. However, I do also partake in roller skating nearly every day and ice skating almost every Friday (both hobbies make it easy for me to on my feet most of the time!)”
  • “I am also a size 9 shoe”
  • “Rapping my car in vinyl inside and out. This work requires patience”
  • “I enjoy adding sparkles to my footwear”

Then it normally follows to put work history and experience:

  • “SKITTLE STICKER UPPER: Responsibility’s Speed, Accuracy, Perseverance”
  • “First employment as a lifeguard which was a very watchful job.”
  • “When I first started with this Company, all I did was Reception which was boring”
    Then furnish the practical experience with academic background:
  • “I have motivated myself to do my GCSE’s again as I lost them when I moved home years ago.”
  • “I am punctual and hardly ever late when attending college and school 99% of the time I would be late and that would only be the minimal of 5-10 minutes late”
  • “I was often in trouble in school and despite high exam results I was expelled from school before my GCSE’s (in suspicious circumstances)”.
  • “Has an excellent photographic memory (can remember mathematical PI to 200 places), a superb reading speed 800 word per min and a Mensa score of IQ128 (top 15%).”
    And so you can confirm the contents of the CV are correct and accurate it’s always good to have details of someone who can back this up:
  • “References – mind your own business”
    Finally, a solid closing sentence:
  • “I am an eager person to learn and deliver the best to any challenge that is given to me so select me and I’ll be the best employee you’ll ever higher”
    Then there’s the frankly bizarre.
  • “Employment dissuasion onwards of 1989 occurring due to objections of a former employer, exercising corporate objectives, so as to sabotage personal progress, against personal resignation due to objections against undesirable employment practices”

Thanks for reading, I’ve hope you’ve enjoyed as much as we did!